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As an only child growing up in the fifties, I lived with my parents in a small town on the South Coast of England. My father was a ships officer serving in the Merchant Navy. This meant he was by neccessity away at sea for long periods, leaving my mother with most of the responsibiliy for bringing me up.
Due to gynaecological complications when I was born, Mum was unfortunately not able to have any more children. This was a tremedous disappointment to her. It was probably this factor that had the greatest influence in my upbringing. She seemed to be intent on keeping me as a baby for far longer than was reasonably practical. As a consequence I was kept in baby dresses until I was 3, not toilet trained until I was 5 and I remained in nappies at night until I was 7.
When I was 10 years old, I inexplicably began wetting the bed. The first couple of times I received a gentle scolding from my mother and she fitted a waterproof mattress cover to my bed. I was told not to worry as " accidents do happen". However, within a couple of weeks I was wetting the bed almost every night. This was despite my liquid intake being cut down in the evening and being woken up for a last visit to the lavatory before Mum went to bed.
She had of couse taken me to see the doctor. After a thorough examination he had ruled out any obvious physical problem or urinary infection. He suggested that it was a purely psychological condition and that I would in all likelyhood get over it fairly quickly. In the mean time he suggested that a pad and buzzer was used to wake me just as I started wetting. This approach had been proved very effective in curing enuresis, however, when in my case this failed to have any effect, Mum was at the end of her tether!
I remember distinctly one fateful Saturday morning. I was near to tears with humiliation as I stood dejectedly in my room having just watched Mum once again strip the saturated bedclothes from the bed.
"We can't carry on like this any more you know." She said gently as she helped me out of my soaking wet pajamas."That's every night this week you've wet your bed, I'm very sorry but there's no alternative I'm afraid. From now on you are going to have to go back to wearing nappies at night.
I must have blushed a bright crimson as I burst into tears. " Oh come on darling." She said kindly, putting her arms around me. "I'm sure it can't be very pleasant sleeping in a wet bed every night can it?" I nodded meekly in agreement, thinking of the cold wet sheets and blankets I had recently been lying in." Anyway I really can't cope any longer with having to wash all your bedclothes every day, and besides, you'll find yourself feeling a great deal more comfortable during the night." She said brightly, as she gathered up the wet bedding and pajamas. "So, now we've agreed on that, dry your eyes and lets hurry up and get you bathed and dressed, your breakfast is nearly ready."
That evening I was filled with a feeling of trepidation as I was told to go up to the the bathroom and have a thorough wash and then get undressed ready for bed.
I had suspected that mum had been deadly serious about putting me back in nappies when she had left me with a neighbour for a couple of hours that afternoon. She said she urgently wanted to get a few things for me in town.
"Come on love, slip your dressing gown off and come and lay down here." She whispered gently as she patted the bed. Trembling slightly I self consciously eased myself onto the bed and watched as she walked over and selected a large white fluffy terry nappy and a pair of large clear plasic baby pants from a pile on the top of the chest of drawers.
Mum folded the nappy into a kite shape and then lifted my legs up and effortlessly slid it into position under my bottom. She then reached over to the bedside cabinet for the baby powder and after a liberal dusting the nappy was securely pinned into place."Is that comfy darling." She said tenderly, as she reached over for the plastic baby pants.
"I think so." I replied meekly as mum carefully threaded my feet and ancles through the elasticated legs of the baby pants. THey rustled and crackled slightly as I raised my hips to asllow her to pull them up into position.
She took special care making sure all of the nappy was tucked securely inside my baby pants. " We don't want you springing any leaks do we." She laughed as she stood back to admire her handywork. " Now lets get you into your nightie and then tucked upfor the night."
"Nightie! You want me to wear a nightie!" I gasped incredulously getting up off the bed. "Now don't be silly love." Mum replied firmly, misunderstanding my reaction. She held up a short and very babyish looking pale pink nightdress."You don't think for one moment that your pajama pants are going to fit over the top of your nappy, do you?"
I glanced down at my well padded loins, the bulk of the nappy between my legs actually causing them to be maked apart."No I suppose not." I shrugged in now total submission. I stood up and let her slip the nightie over my head. "That's good, it fits peg softly. "That's a very pretty nightie you're wearing John. You know you really would have made a beautiful girl."
I blushed deeply trying to think of a rational answer. Auntie Sue had hit the nail on the head. I had always envied girls for being able to wear pretty clothes and being able to express their emotions openly. Every time I cried, I was labelled as a cissy. I had experimented by trying on my mothers petticoats and dresses when she was out but they had of course never fitted properly. I was eternally grateful that at least Mum seemed happy for me to go to bed dressed as a little girl.
Before I could gather my thoughts, Mum came to my rescue." When I first put him back into nappies I couldn't get any pyjamas that would fit over them properly. If the hips we big enough to fit over his nappy, the legs would be about 8 inches too long, and as for the jacket..." They both collapsed into peals of laughter at the thought. "Anyway, I decided a nightie would be the answer." Mum said absently as she picked out a tiny piece of loose thread from the lace trim on the hem of my night-dress. "Since then, he has worn one at night ever since.
I started to colour up again as she carried on." If I ever ask John to get himself a clean nightie out of the airing cupboard, he always picks out frilliest the one he can find."
I've always wished I could have been born a girl!" I blurted out suddenly without thinking. As I realised the enormity of my admission, tears welled up in my eyes and I began quietly sobbing. At last my secret was out in the open. Mum held me to her breast and whispered. "I know you have darling. Mummy has always known."
As she cradled me in her arms I became aware of a cloying wetness spreading around my loins. I was slowly and totally uncontrollably wetting my nappy!
To be continued soon.
luv to you all
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